Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift in New York in 2014, just “hanging out.”
All conspiracy theories are trash — unless you’re talking about celebrity queer relationship conspiracy theories, which are 100% good and accurate.
Or so we hope. There are so many conspiracy theories in this genre that, if proven true, would bring infinite joy to queer people worldwide. The LGBTQ community has few celebrity queer relationships they can count on for gossip — a Kristen Stewart and Stella Maxwell here, a RuPaul and Georges LeBar there. By and large, however, these relationships are stable. They are healthy. They are far below the requisite drama standard for gossip.
We need more.
Below are a few of the most legendary conspiracy theories about queer relationships, composed entirely by the teenage professors of Tumblr and Twitter. Theorists in this arena are known as “shippers.” It’s worth mentioning that none of these theories has yet to be proven even remotely true, and some of these actors have explicitly stated that they’re heterosexual.
Yeah, yeah, whatever. If there’s one thing we’re entitled to in this great nation of ours, it’s our baseless, purely projective, borderline offensive relationship fantasies.
Here are the very best.
1. Demi Lovato and Lauren Abedini
This is one conspiracy theory that actually has some chance of being true. Lovato broke up with her longtime boo, Wilmer Valderrama, in June 2016. Around that time, Lovato revealed that she was open to dating both men and women (!!!) because “that’s how she’s always felt.” Fast forward to a year later, when the gossip blogs captured Lovato hand-in-hand with DJ Lauren Abedini at the gayest place on earth, Disneyland. Just last week, Lovato insiders spotted this key detail:
— Demi Lovato News (@justcatchmedemi) January 9, 2018
Is there enough evidence to pronounce this conspiracy theory as fact? No, there is not. But don’t you dare let that affect your detective work on Instagram, where queer conspiracy theorists are sorely underrepresented.
2. Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss
In the conspiracy theory community, those of us who believe that Taylor Swift is secretly dating fashion model Karlie Kloss identify as Kaylor Shippers.
Most critics assume that Swift’s latest album, Reputation, is about her rumored ding dong of a boyfriend, Joe Alwyn. But those of us in the know — experts in the field, really — believe that her song “Gorgeous” is about a woman (Swift) dating a man (Alwyn) while secretly being in love with a woman (Kloss). From Jezebel’s Bobby Finger:
After 3 listens, I’ve decided “Gorgeous” is about Taylor lusting after a woman while dating a man, and feeling guilt/shame because of it.
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) October 20, 2017
The rumor of their affair first gained speed after a series of grainy photos, allegedly showing Kloss and Swift making out at a 1975 concert, emerged. Swift quickly shut down “Kissgate” — and, in her defense, it’s impossible to precisely identify what’s happening in the photo. Still, that didn’t stop Klossers’ from keepin’ on believin’, especially when the two aren’t afraid to express their (supposedly entirely platonic) affection on Instagram.
Happy happy birthday @taylorswift13!
Ariana Grande’s ‘thank u, next’ video is a perfect parody of all your favorite teen movies
Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” already cemented itself as a 2018 banger, and the official video is a party of its own. Full of classic teen movie tropes and references to Mean Girls, Bring It On, Legally Blonde, and more.
The movie references are fun on their own, all teased by Grande on social media leading up to the video’s release, but the cameos make “thank u, next.”
From Mean Girls‘ original Aaron Samuels (Jonathan Bennett) to Kris Jenner as a cool mom, everyone in the video is having a blast – perhaps none more so than Jennifer Coolidge recreating an entire scene of Legally Blonde with Grande as Elle Woods.
The song talks about Grande’s exes, but the second part is all about self-discovery (“But this one gon’ last / ‘Cause her name is Ari). The movie references are strategic – though they all contain central love stories, they remain iconic because they are stories of female empowerment and a protagonist finding her voice amid all the noise.
And that shit’s amazing.”
Michael B. Jordan demonstrates just how fast his hands are
“Having starred in two Creed movies and probably endured some pretty rigorous physical training, Michael B. Jordan is pretty quick on his feet — and fast with his hands.
On The Late Late Show, Jordan demonstrated to host James Corden just how quick he can actually move them.
In a game of good old try-to-slap-my-hand-before-I-move-it-away, Jordan beat a shrieking James Corden pretty convincingly.
Oh, Michael. Your hands are faster than the speed of our love for you.”
Idris Elba is People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ for 2018
(CNN)He’s still not James Bond, but for now this honor will do.
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